Give me the chocolate, nobody gets hurt!!!!

Ok, so the last few weeks of healthy living has just sucked!!!

I have been addicted to food for 20+ years of my life, using it for everything that upsets me. Now that I am trying to eat better, I am having to figure out new ways to deal with my "issues". This is proving to be very, very hard. I feel anxious alot of the time.

It wasn't so hard in the beginning because I had been burying some issues in my heart that I didn't want to deal with. Mainly the anger and pain of the loss of my baby. That then brings the loss of leaving EVERYTHING and EVERYONE whom I loved most outside of my natural family back in Michigan. I still don't "like" being in Baltimore. I miss the comfort of my friends who really know me. I miss taking my kids to see grandma and grandpa. And it all makes me mad. I still don't get why God said to move to Baltimore. We have had a 2 year series of just one big life ordeal after another. It just never seems to end.

I think what God wants is for me to love Him more than I love the food, more than I love being angry at Him. If I'm angry, then I don't have to allow myself to get close to Him. I can use it as an excuse to keep my distance. Food has never let me down, but sometimes I feel that God has. My emotions say stick with the food. But I know I should not do this. It's destruction.

I'm also angry that my husband has been doing the same thing I have and has dropped weight like crazy. He also stole the ONLY time I had to myself before the kids got up. Now I have to exercise with them and that has proven to be quite difficult.

I have done alot of emotional eating the last few weeks. I ate fast food, I made excuses to go somewhere alone so I could get chocolate, McDonalds or Chick-Fil-A. All I feel now is guilt. On the plus side, I didn't gain back the 10 pounds I lost. But I'm not making progress.

Right now, this journey has hit a major speed bump. I just have to figure out how to go from being food-dependent to God-dependent. This is proving to be way harder than I could have ever imagined.

Angry, Tired, and Stuck

Well, the last 2 weeks of weight loss have been well, no weight lost. But that is my own doing.

I've been depressed alot the last few weeks. I had some of the worst PMS since the miscarriage, then the worst period since the miscarriage. Every time I have had that "Time of the Month" I get extremely sad and overwhelmed with feelings of anger and grief. This would have been the first month that I did not medicate myself with food.

Except I did it anyway...

Old habits die hard. I began trying to find ways to get food that would help me feel better but where no one in my family would know. I ran errands so I could go get something fried or something chocolatey.

Why?

Why can't I just give this over to God and move on?

Cause I am ANGRY!!! I am angry at God because I had a miscarriage. I'm angry because we got to a small church of about 40 and three women are pregnant. I was in that group for awhile. One of the ladies is due the same day as I am. She lives in the small house right behind me. I see her all the time. It feels like God is playing some cruel joke! I'm not ungrateful for what I have, but I know that probably know one can understand the pain I am feeling right now. It's a grief I have never known.

So I ate my way through it. And now I feel like crap and I'm tired. I don't want to exercise, I don't want to get healthy. I just want to eat.

I'm not sure yet how I am going to get past this hurdle in my weight loss journey. I can tell you I have not gained any weight. But that is just because we shoveled so much dang snow this week!!!!

I just would like to get away somewhere. Where I can think, pray, figure things out without children needing something from me. Without a house screaming "clean me!". Then maybe I can hear God just enough to know what to do next.

Until then, I'm feeling stuck.

Things I Learned About Myself This Week

This week was not a good one when it comes to health and weight loss. I started out with a sinus infection and was feeling so full in the head I didn't want to even THINK about exercising! So 4 days I waited until I started to feel better, all the while trying to not eat things I shouldn't. Then I got a touch of stomach bug that everyone passed around our house and I missed another day of exercising. Stomach bug went away and then I started craving chocolate.

Massive amounts of chocolate.

And fried foods.

I always crave these foods when I have PMS.

I put off exercising for 6 days total. Today I got back to it and had gained a little over a pound. Some of that is water from being bloated (PMS). But the rest of it is from not doing as well as I should have this week.

I did learn something in this process. I did allow myself to give in to some of the cravings I had by putting them to rest with small amounts of chocolate or a smaller order of fries and pop. I learned that I don't have to eat as much as I would have before when I have these cravings, and I don't have to necessarily deprive myself of them when that PMS hits me like a freight train. If I would have exercised this week, I probably would have lost something.

While I'm aggravated at myself for letting a whole week slip past, really wasted in a way, it was not wasted completely. I learned that I can have a small amount of chocolate (10 M&M's instead of the entire package) to put those cravings to rest and that I don't have to deprive myself all the time to keep loosing weight and be healthy. I also learned that PMS is gonna come and if I am prepared to handle it and make a point of pushing the exercising that week, I will be just fine.

This is a journey. It's a process of learning about me and my love of food. So in alot of ways while you can't measure my progress on the scale this week, I feel like I made a huge leap.

Feeling blah and wanting comfort foods!!!

Well, my new lifestyle of eating has been going pretty well until Sunday. I have been fighting a sinus infection and I just didn't feel up to exercising Sunday. But I sure wanted to eat. I did refrain for most of the day, (even made cookies and brownies and had a tiny square) but was just randomly eating Sunday evening. I wasn't even really hungry! It's just been a habit for so long.

Today, still no exercising. Hubby was up sick, Grant was up sick, and Maggie was just up for unknown reasons. I'm still fighting a sinus infection. I'm very tired. I did pretty well with my eating today. I wanted to eat lots of comfort foods, but ended up just having a small amount of fondue and bread rather than a huge amount. I never did eat supper.

Slowly I am learning I really can do this. I'm seeing results.

Last week I cut off part of my belt to make it fit better (it's for work) and I've noticed other clothes fitting better around the waist. Tomorrow I will way in and measure my waist to see where I am. While I've had moments I have not done as well as I would like, I'm still doing better than I was before, so I am making progress.

Doing Well!!!

I'm going pretty well this past week. I've lost 7 pounds now and I am officially out of the "obese" category on the Wii Fit! I also finally got a "Nice Job" from the trainer in the Rhythm Boxing! Yippy!

Had to cut an inch of my belt for work so it would fit, and many of my clothes are not fitting so well because they are loose! Yippy! So I'm keeping it up. Stay Tuned!

Drama, Night at the ER

It has been a few days since I updated my blog. I've had a sick baby.

Friday night I had to take her to the ER because her temp was 103.5 and we couldn't get it to come down with meds and she'd gone over 5 hours with no wet diaper. Not good. Turns out she just had a virus. They gave her higher doses of Tylenol and Motrin to help bring the fever down. She's been mostly fever free the last 24 hours, but has a little cough. Since we've all had H1N1 I'm not too concerned.

On Friday, I was feeling quite discouraged with my eating and weight loss. Having not lost even a pound by then and feeling very fatigued, I was thinking "what am I doing?" Had some errands to run and on our Christian radio station, there was this 2 minute spot on Fitness Gods Way and it was really just encouraging the listener that God was for them in their weight loss and health goals and to hang in there. I felt so encouraged!

Saturday I was very tired from a long night with a sick baby that I gave myself permission to not exercise. I also had to work, so I ate a decent breakfast and decided I would treat myself to something fried at my work along with a diet pop. I regretted this choice for the rest of the day. I honestly felt yucky from eating the greasy food and drinking the pop. I'd been better off to just stick with the healthy choice and drink water. Lesson learned.

Sunday, I got up and exercised, and the Wii Fit asked me how come I had taken a break yesterday! Go figure that a computer trainer is making me feel guilty!!! I ate much better Sunday and stuck to healthy choices and was feeling better for doing so.

Today (Monday) I didn't get to the exercises until the afternoon. I added in a new strength training exercise that targets the abs and upper arms (guess where all my fat is??). I also started doing the marching band and a few days ago I went to the Advanced Rhythm Boxing. I really enjoy this even though alot of times I don't do the punches hard enough. I always feel like I'm punching something and when you do well, the trainer encourages you so that's fun too. Just trying to mix things up a bit.

So while I didn't eat so well this weekend, it's not a total loss. I purchased jeans in the size I normally wear at a resale store and they need a belt. I purchased some undergarments a size smaller than what I wear and I really should have gone down one more. So while the pounds are not showing up so much this time, the inches are melting and I'm making progress, and for me, that's something!!!

Tomorrow, weigh in...

Saying No to the Flesh is not fun

I stayed up too late last night. Got up early to do part of my work out and then had to be at work by 6:30 a.m. Pretty busy morning as they were giving away breakfast sandwich, no purchase necessary. Home at 10:30 a.m.

While at work, I just really wanted to dive into a Chick-Fil-A sandwich with lots of sauce. Lots of heavy fatty sauce. I wanted it because I wanted it. Plain and simple. But I said no and had a fruit cup and water for break. Blah.

When I got home, my 5 year old just didn't want to cooperate with anything.

Maggie was fussy.

Grant was well... being Grant.

All I wanted was a chocolate bar. That would help me cope. A chocolate bar.

I kept thinking all day how badly I wanted a chocolate bar.

I want it because it is what has always helped me cope on a day like today when things are just crazy and I feel overwhelmed with alot of different things. But I didn't have it. The problem now is: what do I do with all this pent up frustration I am feeling? That's part of the journey I guess. To figure that out.

Tonight it's to bed early.