Give me the chocolate, nobody gets hurt!!!!

Ok, so the last few weeks of healthy living has just sucked!!!

I have been addicted to food for 20+ years of my life, using it for everything that upsets me. Now that I am trying to eat better, I am having to figure out new ways to deal with my "issues". This is proving to be very, very hard. I feel anxious alot of the time.

It wasn't so hard in the beginning because I had been burying some issues in my heart that I didn't want to deal with. Mainly the anger and pain of the loss of my baby. That then brings the loss of leaving EVERYTHING and EVERYONE whom I loved most outside of my natural family back in Michigan. I still don't "like" being in Baltimore. I miss the comfort of my friends who really know me. I miss taking my kids to see grandma and grandpa. And it all makes me mad. I still don't get why God said to move to Baltimore. We have had a 2 year series of just one big life ordeal after another. It just never seems to end.

I think what God wants is for me to love Him more than I love the food, more than I love being angry at Him. If I'm angry, then I don't have to allow myself to get close to Him. I can use it as an excuse to keep my distance. Food has never let me down, but sometimes I feel that God has. My emotions say stick with the food. But I know I should not do this. It's destruction.

I'm also angry that my husband has been doing the same thing I have and has dropped weight like crazy. He also stole the ONLY time I had to myself before the kids got up. Now I have to exercise with them and that has proven to be quite difficult.

I have done alot of emotional eating the last few weeks. I ate fast food, I made excuses to go somewhere alone so I could get chocolate, McDonalds or Chick-Fil-A. All I feel now is guilt. On the plus side, I didn't gain back the 10 pounds I lost. But I'm not making progress.

Right now, this journey has hit a major speed bump. I just have to figure out how to go from being food-dependent to God-dependent. This is proving to be way harder than I could have ever imagined.

Angry, Tired, and Stuck

Well, the last 2 weeks of weight loss have been well, no weight lost. But that is my own doing.

I've been depressed alot the last few weeks. I had some of the worst PMS since the miscarriage, then the worst period since the miscarriage. Every time I have had that "Time of the Month" I get extremely sad and overwhelmed with feelings of anger and grief. This would have been the first month that I did not medicate myself with food.

Except I did it anyway...

Old habits die hard. I began trying to find ways to get food that would help me feel better but where no one in my family would know. I ran errands so I could go get something fried or something chocolatey.

Why?

Why can't I just give this over to God and move on?

Cause I am ANGRY!!! I am angry at God because I had a miscarriage. I'm angry because we got to a small church of about 40 and three women are pregnant. I was in that group for awhile. One of the ladies is due the same day as I am. She lives in the small house right behind me. I see her all the time. It feels like God is playing some cruel joke! I'm not ungrateful for what I have, but I know that probably know one can understand the pain I am feeling right now. It's a grief I have never known.

So I ate my way through it. And now I feel like crap and I'm tired. I don't want to exercise, I don't want to get healthy. I just want to eat.

I'm not sure yet how I am going to get past this hurdle in my weight loss journey. I can tell you I have not gained any weight. But that is just because we shoveled so much dang snow this week!!!!

I just would like to get away somewhere. Where I can think, pray, figure things out without children needing something from me. Without a house screaming "clean me!". Then maybe I can hear God just enough to know what to do next.

Until then, I'm feeling stuck.

Things I Learned About Myself This Week

This week was not a good one when it comes to health and weight loss. I started out with a sinus infection and was feeling so full in the head I didn't want to even THINK about exercising! So 4 days I waited until I started to feel better, all the while trying to not eat things I shouldn't. Then I got a touch of stomach bug that everyone passed around our house and I missed another day of exercising. Stomach bug went away and then I started craving chocolate.

Massive amounts of chocolate.

And fried foods.

I always crave these foods when I have PMS.

I put off exercising for 6 days total. Today I got back to it and had gained a little over a pound. Some of that is water from being bloated (PMS). But the rest of it is from not doing as well as I should have this week.

I did learn something in this process. I did allow myself to give in to some of the cravings I had by putting them to rest with small amounts of chocolate or a smaller order of fries and pop. I learned that I don't have to eat as much as I would have before when I have these cravings, and I don't have to necessarily deprive myself of them when that PMS hits me like a freight train. If I would have exercised this week, I probably would have lost something.

While I'm aggravated at myself for letting a whole week slip past, really wasted in a way, it was not wasted completely. I learned that I can have a small amount of chocolate (10 M&M's instead of the entire package) to put those cravings to rest and that I don't have to deprive myself all the time to keep loosing weight and be healthy. I also learned that PMS is gonna come and if I am prepared to handle it and make a point of pushing the exercising that week, I will be just fine.

This is a journey. It's a process of learning about me and my love of food. So in alot of ways while you can't measure my progress on the scale this week, I feel like I made a huge leap.

Feeling blah and wanting comfort foods!!!

Well, my new lifestyle of eating has been going pretty well until Sunday. I have been fighting a sinus infection and I just didn't feel up to exercising Sunday. But I sure wanted to eat. I did refrain for most of the day, (even made cookies and brownies and had a tiny square) but was just randomly eating Sunday evening. I wasn't even really hungry! It's just been a habit for so long.

Today, still no exercising. Hubby was up sick, Grant was up sick, and Maggie was just up for unknown reasons. I'm still fighting a sinus infection. I'm very tired. I did pretty well with my eating today. I wanted to eat lots of comfort foods, but ended up just having a small amount of fondue and bread rather than a huge amount. I never did eat supper.

Slowly I am learning I really can do this. I'm seeing results.

Last week I cut off part of my belt to make it fit better (it's for work) and I've noticed other clothes fitting better around the waist. Tomorrow I will way in and measure my waist to see where I am. While I've had moments I have not done as well as I would like, I'm still doing better than I was before, so I am making progress.