Give me the chocolate, nobody gets hurt!!!!

Ok, so the last few weeks of healthy living has just sucked!!!

I have been addicted to food for 20+ years of my life, using it for everything that upsets me. Now that I am trying to eat better, I am having to figure out new ways to deal with my "issues". This is proving to be very, very hard. I feel anxious alot of the time.

It wasn't so hard in the beginning because I had been burying some issues in my heart that I didn't want to deal with. Mainly the anger and pain of the loss of my baby. That then brings the loss of leaving EVERYTHING and EVERYONE whom I loved most outside of my natural family back in Michigan. I still don't "like" being in Baltimore. I miss the comfort of my friends who really know me. I miss taking my kids to see grandma and grandpa. And it all makes me mad. I still don't get why God said to move to Baltimore. We have had a 2 year series of just one big life ordeal after another. It just never seems to end.

I think what God wants is for me to love Him more than I love the food, more than I love being angry at Him. If I'm angry, then I don't have to allow myself to get close to Him. I can use it as an excuse to keep my distance. Food has never let me down, but sometimes I feel that God has. My emotions say stick with the food. But I know I should not do this. It's destruction.

I'm also angry that my husband has been doing the same thing I have and has dropped weight like crazy. He also stole the ONLY time I had to myself before the kids got up. Now I have to exercise with them and that has proven to be quite difficult.

I have done alot of emotional eating the last few weeks. I ate fast food, I made excuses to go somewhere alone so I could get chocolate, McDonalds or Chick-Fil-A. All I feel now is guilt. On the plus side, I didn't gain back the 10 pounds I lost. But I'm not making progress.

Right now, this journey has hit a major speed bump. I just have to figure out how to go from being food-dependent to God-dependent. This is proving to be way harder than I could have ever imagined.